Tennis Elbow? No I have not taken up sport.

If you know me, you know I am not a lover of sport. I don't play it, I don't watch it (well except the odd AFL game - you've got M to thank for that - go the Crows - yes, I just did that), I don't believe in the outrageous amounts of $$$ thrown at it, I don't agree with the betting/gambling and some sport that is considered sport, is questionable (golf?). So it was quite a shock to hear my doc say that I may have a bit of tennis elbow. Ha!

But is it?

A few weeks back I started to experience some discomfort in my arm...around the elbow...top of the forearm, bottom of the triceps (I think, I dunno). 

It sounds silly, but I thought it was due to getting my tattoo (Hungarian folk art inspired as a tribute to Mama) as it started not long after. Maybe the tattooist lent on my arm too much? This seemed a reasonable explanation, so I let it go and thought it would go away. However, it just kinda got worse. Ho hum.

After having some chats to a work colleague, she helped me make the decision that I see a physio (thank you T). She actually mentioned my neuro is who I should really see.

---THIS SCARED ME---

It scared me because I was trying to keep that thought at the back of my own head and I didn't want to pay it any attention. Not every single thing my body does is related to Mad Sascha. Gotta stay positive. Glass half full. Blah, blah and BLAH!

So off I go to the physio. Possible C8NR. A compressed nerve. Right side of my neck/shoulder is tight. This does make sense for some of my symptoms and feelings. Pain when gripping. Pain when moving in certain ways, some weakness in the last two fingers. But does not explain pain experienced elsewhere :-(

Meanwhile...MRI time. Good fucking fun. One fail at inserting the cannula, second attempt successful but gross junkie like bruising. Tops. Over an hour in the tube. Fingers going numb. Trying to move fingers while still staying still. Wanting to get out, badly. Wanting to cry. Should have had TWO Valiums. Starting to panic. Then, it's finally over. 

I returned to the physio for a full session that afternoon. Ouch! Definitely helped me loosen up, but unfortunately it had no effect on my arm.

That was Wednesday. It is now Sunday. It's become worse. It has started to do my head in. The anxiety is overwhelming. What ifs. FUCK. What if:

- it's Mad Sascha?

- my Tysabri infusions are no longer working?

- I have to change medications, but which one? 

- it won't go away?

- it gets worse?

- I have moved from Relapsing Remitting Multiple Sclerosis to Secondary Progressive (see more info here)?

and other deeper thinkings...

I also went to the docs yesterday. I wanted to get my free flu shot, ask about my arm and ask about why I have small cuts in the corners of my mouth and a touch of sinus grossness of a morning. 

Maybe I am exhausted? 

I have had a 2-3 hour nanna nap every Saturday over the past 3 weeks. Like proper sleeping. Like, get into bed and feel like a deadweight in that one position and not move for nothin'. And then, I still have the ability to fall asleep later that night.

Anyway, I ask the doc about my arm and she is the one who suggests it might be tennis elbow...again, this does not also explain the other pain.

I am so confused. I think I am failing at explaining how it feels. Do you ever get that? Trying to explain a feeling, but really just not doing a great job. So when I say pain, it's a sort of muscle pain, but a stretching one. It feels deeper than just surface pain. But is it pain? I don't know. It's certainly discomfort. Are they muscle spasms? Is that why it's 'painful' to stretch my arm straight? I just don't fucking know. Not knowing is crap.

It's certainly good timing that I have had my MRI, and now I need to wait until April 24th until I see my neurologist. Some people say "Can't you see him earlier?" Yeah, nah. It kind of does't work like that. It's not like making an appointment with your hairdresser. And to be honest, there are others with MS (and other things) that are in much worse shape than I am...

...and that is what I need to remind myself of. 

Those poor, innocent, little souls in Syria :-( Their suffering...no words. And refugees being treated like criminals/animals, or not being treated at all! Violence against women and our sad culture of victim blaming. Whole groups of humans being abused/blamed/discriminated against due to the actions of one. The abuse of the most vulnerable in care...CARE!!! Wtf?

What the fuck am I complaining about?! (realisation just occurred)