Extra Adipose Tissue - do you want some?

Woohoo! We did it...embarrassingly late (and at a ridiculous monetary and social cost!), but we did it...same sex marriage is now LAW. Wonderful news indeed.

I guess the last few months have been pretty good. Except for the extra adipose tissue - I will get to that later.

I recovered well from my nose operation. However, at the beginning of the school term (term 4), I became really unwell and it took me 4-5 weeks to recover. That's a long fucking time to be feeling like shit! I had 5 doctor appointments over that period of time. One thought I might have allergies. One female doctor was fucking useless, pretty, dressed nice, but basically a mole. At one stage I was urged by my GP to go back to see the ENT just in case my being sick had anything to do with my operation. It did not, and funnily enough, after this appointment, I began to feel human again, finally!

A lot of people with MS feel sick A L L of the time. At this stage, I do not. But I do feel the effects of being in the heat. As most of you know, the weather dictates my life during summer. This makes my social life hellish and difficult to manage. I just cancelled a met up with a friend yesterday, due to the weather. This is an extremely depressing part of living with my version of MS. If you didn't know this, it's because I want to hide it. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to be 'that' difficult person. If I push myself and just pretend I am all good, it is quite certain that later that day, or the next, I will feel very tired and needing rest/naps/sleeping. That's fine, but not when I got shit to do, like work. And when I 'rest' in whatever form, I feel like a lazy fuck.

I have been inactive and eating to feel satisfied, because sometimes life is hard and when I was sick, I was very upset and cried every few days. Crying because I wanted nothing more to feel normal again.

I stopped going to Pilates and I haven't been to the gym in months. I see a psychologist about all this (and other life things).

That extra adipose tissue (aka fat) 'does not define me'. Yes, yes. I know that. I'm not a fucking teenage girl. I accept that this is me, however,   I   D O   N O T   A P P R O V E. Acceptance is not approval. Anyway, I guess I am on some journey to change my thinking. Cognitive behavioural therapy. Just give me drugs? I work hard enough in other areas of my life.

ANYWAYSSSS. I won a permanent teaching position. I WON A PERMANENT TEACHING POSITION. Wow. It's at a tough school, in the disability unit. However, a HUGE percentage of students have a trauma background. It's going to be challenging, but I am excited and totally up for it.

In other AMAZING news. I have reconnected with my best friend after about 6 years or so! And you know what? We just picked up from where we left off and it all feels lovely.

Happy holidays all!

Relief at last!

Hello! Hello...in a nasal sounding way - you see, I've just had surgery on my nose. Not a nose job, unfortunately. Some of you might know, I do not like my nose. But I did get my turbinates reduced and some other stuff that I won't go into because it's a bit gross.

My anxiety was pretty high leading up to the surgery. I wasn't worried about the actual op itself, but being 'put to sleep', anaesthetised, 'put under' etc. I was scared I wouldn't wake up. But it's all good, because I did.

I had a little sunny room to myself for the 2 hours waiting prior to my surgery, plenty of time to go through worst case scenarios, then waiting in the pre-op theatre, started to cry. Listening to shit music. Wanting to just see M and his face. Then once I walked into the theatre, the cannula was just shoved into my left hand and I swore and got teary then boom, out.

Waking up, I felt super drugged up but in a quite enjoyable way. The doc saw me and was super happy with the procedure and said it is expected that I should have a swift, smooth recovery. I had some more drugs and was trolleyed to my room where there was another lady. There was just the two of us, and I got the window (sweeeeeet!). Ate some sandwiches, drank a ton of water, watched 'Atypical' on Netflix and tried to sleep, but failed. My neighbour snored. I got some kind of rest from about 4:30am to 5:55am, when we were woken for meds. Then I snoozed a bit until 7:30am and the place was buzzing and noisy. I showered and could not wait to get out of there. Hospitals suck.

I have to take a minimum of a week off work. That's not so great, but health needs to come first, right? And the classroom will survive without me, right? Of course.

Now to do some filling in since my previous post...

I ended up having a GREAT MRI result just after my last post. No new lesions. YAY! So, I continue my monthly infusions of Tysabri. And most importantly, it was confirmed that my tennis elbow was just plain old tennis elbow and nothing to do with Mad Sascha. Ahhh the relief!

I still have my tennis elbow - although it is slowly disappearing and some days, non-existent. I do also have bursitis in my left shoulder, which is hanging about but not bothering me too much. I discovered it when I started going to my Aquaspin class! I was doing some exercise move (it's safer indoors people), and the clicking started and I knew, something ain't right. I decided not to attend the last session, plus it was winter, nighttime and stupid cold.

I started Pilates again, which is now pushed aside for a few weeks, until my nose is all good. I changed the studio I was going to. It's a bit shit, but so much cheaper. It will grow on me!

I did a 5 week Auslan course! It was great. I don't teach any hearing impaired students, but you never know. I loved the teacher. She was fabulous. I would highly recommend it to anyone who has thought about it. I did struggle to go, as it was after work, 6-8pm, in the dead of winter. But I did it!

I also started term 2 on a three day contract at my previous school, which then rapidly changed to full time for the remainder of the year! On the Friday of week one, a new class of 7 boys was created and it was offered to me, and I said yes. It's great being back at Hamilton. Bloody love it. Very, very happy.

Lots of jobs for next year have come out to teach in Special Ed. I am applying for some. It's my time. Seriously. C'mon universe! We are quite desperate to stay in Adelaide. We just love it here.

I've also started seeing a new psychologist and she's doing alright, so far. I have high hopes!

All in all, shit's been alright. A few crappy bits but not suited to this platform :)

Don't forget to vote YES to marriage equality, fuckers! Love youse. Xx

Tennis Elbow? No I have not taken up sport.

If you know me, you know I am not a lover of sport. I don't play it, I don't watch it (well except the odd AFL game - you've got M to thank for that - go the Crows - yes, I just did that), I don't believe in the outrageous amounts of $$$ thrown at it, I don't agree with the betting/gambling and some sport that is considered sport, is questionable (golf?). So it was quite a shock to hear my doc say that I may have a bit of tennis elbow. Ha!

But is it?

A few weeks back I started to experience some discomfort in my arm...around the elbow...top of the forearm, bottom of the triceps (I think, I dunno). 

It sounds silly, but I thought it was due to getting my tattoo (Hungarian folk art inspired as a tribute to Mama) as it started not long after. Maybe the tattooist lent on my arm too much? This seemed a reasonable explanation, so I let it go and thought it would go away. However, it just kinda got worse. Ho hum.

After having some chats to a work colleague, she helped me make the decision that I see a physio (thank you T). She actually mentioned my neuro is who I should really see.

---THIS SCARED ME---

It scared me because I was trying to keep that thought at the back of my own head and I didn't want to pay it any attention. Not every single thing my body does is related to Mad Sascha. Gotta stay positive. Glass half full. Blah, blah and BLAH!

So off I go to the physio. Possible C8NR. A compressed nerve. Right side of my neck/shoulder is tight. This does make sense for some of my symptoms and feelings. Pain when gripping. Pain when moving in certain ways, some weakness in the last two fingers. But does not explain pain experienced elsewhere :-(

Meanwhile...MRI time. Good fucking fun. One fail at inserting the cannula, second attempt successful but gross junkie like bruising. Tops. Over an hour in the tube. Fingers going numb. Trying to move fingers while still staying still. Wanting to get out, badly. Wanting to cry. Should have had TWO Valiums. Starting to panic. Then, it's finally over. 

I returned to the physio for a full session that afternoon. Ouch! Definitely helped me loosen up, but unfortunately it had no effect on my arm.

That was Wednesday. It is now Sunday. It's become worse. It has started to do my head in. The anxiety is overwhelming. What ifs. FUCK. What if:

- it's Mad Sascha?

- my Tysabri infusions are no longer working?

- I have to change medications, but which one? 

- it won't go away?

- it gets worse?

- I have moved from Relapsing Remitting Multiple Sclerosis to Secondary Progressive (see more info here)?

and other deeper thinkings...

I also went to the docs yesterday. I wanted to get my free flu shot, ask about my arm and ask about why I have small cuts in the corners of my mouth and a touch of sinus grossness of a morning. 

Maybe I am exhausted? 

I have had a 2-3 hour nanna nap every Saturday over the past 3 weeks. Like proper sleeping. Like, get into bed and feel like a deadweight in that one position and not move for nothin'. And then, I still have the ability to fall asleep later that night.

Anyway, I ask the doc about my arm and she is the one who suggests it might be tennis elbow...again, this does not also explain the other pain.

I am so confused. I think I am failing at explaining how it feels. Do you ever get that? Trying to explain a feeling, but really just not doing a great job. So when I say pain, it's a sort of muscle pain, but a stretching one. It feels deeper than just surface pain. But is it pain? I don't know. It's certainly discomfort. Are they muscle spasms? Is that why it's 'painful' to stretch my arm straight? I just don't fucking know. Not knowing is crap.

It's certainly good timing that I have had my MRI, and now I need to wait until April 24th until I see my neurologist. Some people say "Can't you see him earlier?" Yeah, nah. It kind of does't work like that. It's not like making an appointment with your hairdresser. And to be honest, there are others with MS (and other things) that are in much worse shape than I am...

...and that is what I need to remind myself of. 

Those poor, innocent, little souls in Syria :-( Their suffering...no words. And refugees being treated like criminals/animals, or not being treated at all! Violence against women and our sad culture of victim blaming. Whole groups of humans being abused/blamed/discriminated against due to the actions of one. The abuse of the most vulnerable in care...CARE!!! Wtf?

What the fuck am I complaining about?! (realisation just occurred)