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No news is good news.

This is why I haven't posted for such a while. Yay!

I have been busy with a few things recently.

I met up with a bunch of other women who also have MS, who live in D-Town and surrounds. That was nice. The croissant and smoothie I had were tremendously over priced for what they were and the wait was ridiculous, but that's D-Town for you.

I conquered a fear. The dentist. Had a wisdom tooth yanked. It was a tad traumatic. She lied to me. The dentist. She said I would be okay to go back to work. I was not. It's been 3 full days since, and I am still looking like a puffer fish - though the puffiness has subsided somewhat, and the pain no longer requires heavy killers of it. I have a feeling that it was part of her strategy to get me in for the removal by lying. I have already forgiven her though. So we won't dwell.

I have painted a few paintings.

I have written my reports.

Attended an atrociously bad, poor, not useful at all, professional development day.

I also tried to organise to see a dermatologist to ask about a few things. I had a referral from my GP. BUT a 6 month wait is what it will take to see the one and only dermatologist in Darwin. Ha! In your face Sascha! Is that not out of this world ridiculous? So I currently have my mum on the case with Mr B 'down south', to try and get something sorted when I am there.

A few weeks back I received a parcel in the mail from an old high school friend. She has been reading my blog and when she read about my one eye wide open, contacted me for my address to post me samples of eye drops she highly recommended. And she did deliver. Thank you Katie! What a generous and kind thing to do - especially considering we haven't seen one another in probably...15 years! What a gem.

Oh yes, I am going to Sydney for 10 days. And it couldn't come soon enough. I leave in less than a week. CANNOT WAIT to get away from this feral heat and sleep under a doona.

I also have an MRI of the brain and cervical spine and then an appointment with my neurologist almost a week later. So in a few weeks time, I will have plenty of things to tell you all about. Think positive for me won't you now? Think: "No new lesions". Cheers.

Until then...be good kids!

The Sciencey Psych

Earlier this week I saw a new psychologist, a clinical psychologist. It was good.

As expected, it was full of sciencey stuff, which (I can't believe I am about to admit this) was really interesting and made things (and thoughts) make sense. It was logical.

My short 50 minute session was sped up a little to the usual 3 hour initial session the psychologist does in his private practice. I think I kept up well.

He drew pictures and used different coloured whiteboard markers on a whiteboard (der) to compliment his explanations of how we think. I became a student, a well behaved one who listened intently to every word. Of course, I was only getting the basics, but I walked away with a lot of new knowledge about how we think.

I am not going to relay the conversation had, but there was one thing that I wanted to share. And that is about a dirty word. This dirty word was one of 2 dirty words that the psych spoke about. Dirty word. What makes a word dirty? It's meaning? Context in which it is used? Most people would probably think of something sexual as being dirty. Let's say the word 'cunt'. Apologies if you're offended. It's not a pretty word. I have never been called one of these, nor have I referred to my private bits as one either. But I have certainly heard it used by students, strangers in public and yes, some of my friends. And it's NEVER used in a positive manner. But could it be? Oh hang on, perhaps someone has been called a 'funny' one of these. Meh. Who knows. ANYWAY. Let's move on...so what's the dirty word the psych was referring to?

Criticism.

Yup. That's the one. Bloody fifthly, apparently.

I don't want to mess with your minds, but quietly answer these questions in your head:

1. Have you been criticised before?
2. Did you like it?
3. Have you criticised someone else before?
4. Do you criticise yourself?

Answering the last question made me teary.

I'll this post at that.

P.S. It's really hot! (*wipes perspiration from forehead*)

Eye wide open

The title of this post is not to be confused with Gotye's tune, 'Eyes wide open'.

This is the first time I am writing a post that is a result of things that have happened in the present time. And I think I need to be careful not to take this road each day/week/month where I basically tell you about my everyday life goings on. I think that would bore the pants off of you, and I would definitely come across as being a full time whinger, as opposed to the part time whinger, which is a title I will gladly accept. Whinging can be a good release though, right?

Today is a school day, and I am not at school. Don't fret! I am not doing a dodgy, nor am I taking the day off because of a severe Mad Sascha episode, just a small one...fatigue, exhaustion, burning out.

Yesterday at work I had a little moment of panic which did prompt me to see the doc later in the day.

I was sitting in a session with students, listening to some stories of people who work for various NT Government departments. The purpose of the talk was to inform students about career paths offered, and to dispel the myth that working for a government does not mean you sit at a desk and work from a computer all day long. It was very informative I thought, even though I had to do a lot of 'shushing' to the students I saw myself near - though they decided to shut the hell up when the sporty people spoke (Typical - this is when I would have started chatting away as a student, loving sport as much as I do).

Anyways...my eye. My left eye. My left eye went weirdo on me. It was wide open. Not both eyes, just one, the left one. Got that? It was like it had some massive caffeine hit, and was suddenly wanting to take in its surroundings. I could still close my eye, which I eventually did because I knew I would look quite strange if anyone saw.

It wasn't painful, and it only lasted maybe a minute...even less. But I did not likey. Some of you may be a bit suspicious, wanting to ask if it was actually open more than the other and seeing as though I just sat there and close my eye without actually getting up and looking in a mirror. This is a good question. The thing is, this happened last week at home where I did look in the mirror and saw it for myself.

It was about a week ago and I was brushing my teeth before bed. My eyes were very tired and red, and as I mentioned in my previous post, I feel as though I am at a point where things are a bit on the low side. Mid-term blues perhaps? So already being tired, my eyes were a bit smaller. Sounds strange, but you get me.

So I am brushing my teeth and all of a sudden, my left eye is wide open. I can feel the air on my eyeball. I look up at the bathroom mirror to see my reflection and whoa! Hang the hell on! My left eye is like, 'Hello!' Hmm yes, this is strange. I opened and closed my eyes, which was easy to do. I felt no pain. I squeezed my eyes closed again to see if it would stop, then opened them again. But no, still the same one eye wide open. I closed them again, and rubbed my eyes. Eventually it went back to normal after about a minute or less. Weird!

Humour note: To try and find the funny side of this, I imagined that if it would only happen to both eyes at the same time, it would be like an instant eye lift without surgery, taking years off my face! No? Yes? Maybe?

I told M and he told me to get him next time. I agreed.

So now, at work this happens! Same feelings of the air on my eyeball and all.

I decided that I should see the GP after speaking to another staff member, an ex-nurse. If anything, I wanted it documented.

So I popped off to see the doc.

I have to mentioned that the day before was the school swimming carnival, and I was given a light duty, in the shade. I was asked if I'd be okay, and I said yes because I really thought it would be alright. I did it last year! But I do think my tolerance to heat has become worse.

After the carnival I was so tired, and this tiredness on top of already shitty sleep, and the watery red eyes I had been experiencing over the past week seemed to have made sense to the doc, in that I was suffering from exhaustion and MS related fatigue. She ordered me to take the remainder of the week off, and rest.

So here I am.

Pristine and unique? Pristiq!

More medication. Something else my liver needs to deal with. This was a concern, but of course, I was being a little paranoid. I'm good at that.

So I got a 2 week sample of Pristiq and at first I didn't think it was working. Apparently this particular anti-depressant is quick to work - quick, as in days, not weeks. Of course the full effects are not 'felt' until 4-6 weeks after starting, but Dr B said I would notice a change within a short time.

I was really doubtful. I didn't feel a difference. Plus, when you're on holidays you would expect to feel some sense of relaxation anyway. No work to worry about. Being able to see friends and family. Away from the draining heat of D-Town.

I went back to see Dr B after 2 weeks. I have to again applaud him for his total awesomeness. Dr B said he would fit in to see me at any time within the 2 weeks of trying Pristiq - all I would have to do is call, leave a message and he would call me back and see me whenever. Again...what a legend. So back to the story...I walked into his office and we had some small chit chat before I said, "I don't think it's working." He was quick to disagree. Hmmm, okay. In the words of Pauline Pantsdown, please explain? He commented on my demeanour, my face, body language, the way I was engaging in conversation (albeit small talk). He compared all these things to when I walked in the 2 weeks prior. He commented that when I came in two weeks before, I looked tired, drained, didn't smile and when I did it was awkward and fake. I was not logical in my thinking (the 'what if' mother fuckers were plaguing my trains of thought). I was negative etc.

I began to think about these comments, and yes, he was right. I was thinking better! My outlook on things and stuff was improved and my smiles became genuine. My thoughts of my MS were being dealt with in a logical manner. The things I would say, instead of people responding with, "Don't be silly", "Don't think like that" etc had turned to people agreeing with what I was saying. Does that make sense?

So I have continued on with the Pristiq.

I have never been on any kind of anti-depressant in my life. And although it is not the answer to all my anxiety issues etc, I have to say that I feel so much better. Not physically (though I don't feel too shabby), but in my thoughts and my inner voice. This is why it was hard to write my previous blog, because it has been so long since I felt that low - how great!

I do need to acknowledge that being on holidays away from stresses of D-Town did contribute to me feeling better, and now, with week 5 of term 1 over, I have been struggling a bit with my sleeping again. And Dr B did warn me that I may encounter a slump once I came back up here and began work again. And he was right. I feel I am at that point at the moment. But I have the positive outlook, deep down (hard to find at times), that I will cope. Because it's just what you do. No matter what comes your way, you deal with it as best you can, and you do cope. It sounds very Hallmark-ish. And I apologise for that. But really truly ruley, people cope. Some do not. And that is sad. But I am coping.

I have now joined the MS Society of NT and SA. And my next move to look after my mental health (besides getting out of D-Town at the end of the year), is to find a head doc (Psychologist) through the MS Society, who I can discuss my MS with. No friendly chat, just get down to business. Attack my fears surrounding MS.

Wish me luck! It might take a while...