MRI scheduled, but I can relax...

So here's a short update:

Went to see my neurologist on Thursday hoping for some kind of reassurance to settle my anxieties.

I told him all about my ear troubles. He asked about any new symptoms, of which I have none (yay!) and then he did the usual neuro tests…checking reflexes, watching me walk, checking my balance, hand/eye coordination, eye sight etc. And that was all good. He even commented on my weight loss and said I was looking fit!

My neurologist did refer me to get an MRI a little earlier than usual. I am booked in for early January. I asked him what my ear issues could be…his first response was "It's probably nothing" then he said the MRI will rule out 'something vascular something or rather'. Okay cool. I didn't even bother asking what THAT was, or trying to remember so I can google it (quite proud of this actually). I just asked if I needed to worry, and if there was anything I could do. The plain and simple answer was no. Just RELAX Sascha!

So it (the ear business) has been settling down a bit since it started, but it is still there.

I do feel relieved after seeing my neurologist and this is what I needed (M too). He is a top bloke.

Now I can just look forward to the school holidays and try to enjoy the summer (without getting too hot). Although, I have woken up today with a sore throat and not feeling 100%. IF I get sick, it will be my first time since starting Gilenya I have been sick. Not good. Not recommended. But let's wait and see - there's always fucking something isn't there?

Hearing things (and getting married)

Hello strangers!

I just looked at the last post I wrote and I wrote it in JULY! Half a year has almost passed. WOW.

I've been doing okay since then but I have booked an appointment with my neurologist on Thursday this week. Why? Because I have had some issues with hearing my own pulse in my ear. This sounds a bit ridiculous. It's really quite difficult to explain.

Oh yeah, I got married the other week! It was an amazing night. M and I had an intimate ceremony and reception all in the one place. There were no flowers, no cake cutting or fancy pants centrepieces and no white dress. We then headed up to Byron Bay for a pre-honeymoon honeymoon. We hope to head to Europe next year when the weather is warmer than what it would be now.

Now, those of you who have MS yourselves will completely understand me when I say how exhausted I was after 'the big day'. It has been months and months of organising and small amounts of stress, and the BOOM! It's all over with in about 6 hours. Crazy, but COMPLETELY worth the effort. The wedding also coincided with a very busy time of the year for me at work. But I managed and got through. However, this ear thing had started a few weeks before the wedding and I really didn't worry too much at the time, but it seems that after the wedding it began to really start worrying me. So I actually took a day off before we headed to Byron Bay and saw a GP (same practice but not my usual doc) about it. I was finding it was really affecting my going to sleep and in turn making me feel incredibly anxious.

Now this will not be surprising to most of you, but yes, I did google my symptoms. Pulsatile Tinnitus. And the more I read the more worried I became, naturally.

So I was fortunate enough to get an appointment at very short notice…saw the GP. She listened to my veins and stuff around my ears and temples, asked if I had been experiencing any headaches, how long it's been happening and a few other things. She couldn't tell me what it was (or chose not to tell me) so consulted with another GP who agreed that she should contact my neurologist. She tried to catch him, but he was in a meeting. Argh! Meetings. Then asked me to return later in the day after she spoke with him.

There was about an hour and a half wait until I had to go back to see her. I cried during this time. I was FREAKING OUT!

The GP called me about 3 minutes before M and I were about to leave to see her. She said the Neuro doesn't believe it is related to my MS but if it continues over the next few weeks, I should book in to see him before Christmas. The GP was aware that I was off on my honeymoon the next day and wished me a good time etc. I said to her "So I have nothing to worry about?". She said I had nothing to worry about. Hmmm, well no, I think I do. Plus it's probably one of the hardest things to ignore!

So off we went to Byron Bay. It was great. Ate heaps. Drank a little (one hangover over 5 days ain't too bad!). Unfortunately sleeping in was near impossible, because the sound in my ears would wake me. I also remember one night I had so much trouble trying to sleep. I started to silently freak out. I could almost say I was in a panic at moments…like when I was just about falling off to sleep, I felt myself jolt and wake suddenly, sometimes making myself sit up. It was not ideal and it kept me awake for hours.

Once we returned home, I called my Neuro's office and made an appointment. I have no idea what might happen when I see him. But what I feel I really need is some kind of confident answer about how I should be handling this. Is it true that I have nothing to worry about? Can I do something to help it stop? Can I eat or not eat something that might be contributing to it? I don't think I believed the GP.

I am worried I might need to have another MRI. I am pretty much used to them now, though they are never fun - I try to imagine I am listening to really bad dub-step in a small club or something. If I need to get an MRI I think I will really start to freak out, as they (they? who? medical people) are obviously looking for something…but what? More lesions? If so, will I need to change meds? What if there is something else?

In the meantime, I have a kind of sleeping app that plays a repetitive 'pattern' of noise you might say. You can change the sounds…I have it on 'winds' and 'orchestral'. I've been using it for about 5 nights now and it seems to help me focus on something else rather than this fucking noise going on in my ear/head/whatever.

Besides all that, the only other thing to report is that I am LOVING being back teaching. It's so nice not to be stuck behind a desk. I have a big day tomorrow and will be so relieved when it's over. Lots of organising but I have enjoyed it HEAPS. Hoping to sign a new contract for work next year too - no art teaching but still teaching and trying to make a difference (corny aye?).

Now…it's 9:40pm and time for sleeping.

Thanks for reading.

Bubble talk.

Hello! Hello! How are we?

It has been about 2 and half months since I started on Gilenya, the MS pill and I am pleased to report that it is all going fairly well.

I am sure I had a good old whinge in my previous post about experiencing back and neck pain as one of the side effects...and I thought that was it, and that I was winning but then...I had a blood test and getting the results has revealed other side effects. Bummer man.

My cholesterol has risen. I've never had high cholesterol! This is really disappointing, because I really fucking love butter. The butter we had has now been replaced with Nuttelex. I put some on a crumpet the other day. It tasted weird and gross. I threw it in the bin :-/ BUT this has motivated me to join one of the local gyms with M. And in just 2 week's time, I will be back in the casual teaching game which means I will have more time and therefore more energy to be more active. More more more! I am time greedy, what can I say? 

Then there was the white blood cell count results. Low. Very low. My lymphocytes are 0.2! This is sorta good and bad. It's good because this is what the drug is supposed to do as it is an immunosuppressant - so it is working how it should. The bad thing about this is that I am susceptible to catching things like colds and stuff and if I do get ill, my body will struggle to fight it. So if you're sick - stay away from me! Ha, nah. I can't live my life in a bubble! If I wanted to live in a bubble, I'd move to Bondi (some of you should get this cheeky joke!).

Besides all of the above, I am still getting neck and back pain, but less frequently. All my usual Mad Sascha symptoms are still silently there, being annoying. Weirdo left knee is still there and is mostly a pest in the morning and when walking up and down stairs. Very slight tingles in the left pinky - this is my oldest symptom so I am very used to it being there and really, it doesn't cause any grief like my stupido left knee. Then there are the muscle twitches which happens on a daily basis and of varying twitchiness. Again, this symptom doesn't really stop me from functioning normally, so that is good!

Anyways, what's on your menu tonight? I'll be having chicken with cous cous.

A close family member (not blood related) has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I am not happy about this at all and I have had lots of cries already - and I heard the news less than 24 hours ago. How can they be finding the technology to make body organs with a 3D printer, and not have a cure for this stupid fucking disease!? Angry. A bit of Soundgarden and System of a Down played very loudly within the confines of my car on my drive home yesterday evening.

This news makes me feel selfish about going to write a blog about me. But I have offered all I can to those affected at the moment, so I guess I better just get on with it, with life. Right? Or wrong? I was instructed by the individual diagnosed not to cry. I will follow his request out of respect for his wishes.

I have been on Gilenya now for about a week and a half., the oral MS DMD (Disease Modifying Drug). My first dose observation was a welcoming anti-climax. Just as I had expected, my blood pressure and heart rate were monitored in the first hour every 15 minutes, then every half hour after, until the 6 hours were up. This was followed by an ECG.

My heart rate when I was waiting to begin the whole thing was at 80 (I was nervous as fuck!). There was a bit of a kerfuffle with getting my previous ECG results approved from my neuro, so I had to wait about half an hour before I took that first pill. And just before I swallowed the yellow and white capsule, I was at 74. My lowest recorded heart rate was 61. Very good news. And my ECG was good also. Then I was released without issue.

So far, I have not had any major issues. I have woken up with back pain since last Sunday morning. Two of those mornings it was not so bad, the others were not so great - they bloody woke me up at 4:30-5am! The Deep Heat has been getting a spread over my back and has probably been making me smell a bit weird. You really can't mask that distinctive scent. Why am I talking about back pain? Because it's on the list of side effects! I don't know why it is a side effect, but I really feel I can attribute the Gilenya to this one - I am just not a sore back person.

The first few days of taking Gilenya, I was manically checking my heart rate using my phone - yes, my phone. An app where you place your finger over the light and you get a result in about 15 seconds. Is it accurate you ask? Well, I believe so. I would use this app after almost every time they'd check my heart rate on my first dose observation in the hospital, and the results were the same if not one or 2 beats off either way. Close enough!

This obsession didn't last long - a few days maybe.

The day before starting Gilenya, I was experiencing some little thumb muscle twitches. I am trying to remember if I have written about my previous annoying thumb twitching episode in my earlier posts??? Back in D-Town I had these episodes over a day or two where my left thumb would randomly decide to twitch. It was very freaky. I could feel it any not control it. I could see it and not make my brain stop it. I could hold it in my right hand and it would still do what it wants - and that my friends is a prime example of how MS affects people. Signals from the brain are unable to be controlled because the myelin, the insulation, is damaged/scarred.

So now it's back. This time, it is happening every fucking day. When I am asleep too, it almost sort of disturbs my sleep. It's annoying. BUT, it is not as 'dramatic' as my previous episodes. It shakes/twitches/vibrates to a lesser scale. I guess the Rebif really wasn't doing it's job.

The positives...are there any? Ha! Of course. NO MORE INJECTIONS!!! Yippee! This is a massive relief. This was affecting me more than I thought it was at the time of doing them. Every second night there was this absolute dread of injecting. Lots of false alarms - put machine on skin...press the button Sascha! No no. Take it off your skin. Big sigh. Thoughts on how much you hate this. Fuck it! Why me? Just do it Sascha, it'll be over in a few seconds. On skin again. Okay this time it's for real. Oh geez, this needle is going 1 cm under your skin. Fuck. I can't do it. Take it off again. Can you just do it later? Tomorrow? No. M can do it? No. I have to do it. More big sighs. On skin. Press button. Needle in. Oh it's not so bad. Oh no, there's the sting. Owww! Hurry up. Needle up back in machine. Phew.

Sorry, I went on a bit there.

So yeah, then the injection was over. All good, right? WRONG. Make way for the flu symptoms...drum roll please...headache, fever, heavy, tired. The fever would be the worst. Once those symptoms actually begin, taking paracetamol does fuck all. So making the decision to take paracetamol before the symptoms came down to 'What's on tomorrow?'. I did not want to take paracetamol 3 times a week! And sometimes I would get no flu symptoms at all! But I got them a lot more often than not.

Still...just over two weeks since my last and final injection, my injection site reactions/bruises are STILL healing. Still! Ha.

Have a great weekend.

Oh and it's MS Awareness month. 'Kiss Goodbye to MS'. Donate if you feel like it. I have a profile still up from last year I think. Sascha is the name. Wear red and raise awareness.

Good. Okay? I'm done.

MRI, Meds and Monitoring

Hello!

A few things have happened since my last post. Mostly good stuff (phew!).

Firstly, you will be pleased to hear that my Optic Neuritis (ON) is slowly, but surely, disappearing and I think my eyesight is close to being back to normal again (maybe 75% normal?). It did, however, become worse since the last post. It was a few days later when it was at its worst. VERY annoying. All I wanted to do was close my eye until it was back to seeing normally. But I soldiered on, and sometimes it made me very sad and I got those 'what if' thoughts thinking about if it would ever go back to normal...or perhaps it would take a full year to recover (and some cases can take that long!). It was a real reminder that I am a bit broken on the inside. I do have my funny left leg thing going on, but this ON episode would be hard to get used to or ignore. I am also quite proud that I opted not to have the IV steroids. I'll save that lifeline for another time.

I had my MRI. No dye required. No dye - yay! BUT I was drinking sooooo much water leading up to the appointment, so I was constantly needing to wee. My veins are hard to find. The ones you see on the surface are too shallow or whatever, but being hydrated helps to find them and stab things into them. Needing to wee so often became somewhat troublesome when I looked for a toilet at Kings Cross station, and then I was told, 'Nup no toilets here'. I blame the junkies. I had to go into Oporto, as other establishments in the area were too dirty for my liking! I went to the bathroom and felt bad that I was using them...so I bought a bottle of water. But it turns out they weren't injecting the dye stuff at all!

Unfortunately, and not surprisingly, I have new lesions on my brain. This was pretty much expected. Why? Because generally a new symptom (i.e. my optic neuritis) will correlate with a new lesion, or vice versa. That's my understanding anyway, and it makes sense of course. Any new symptom may disappear, or improve. This is good. However...again, my understanding is that the lesion is the scar, right? So scars generally do not completely disappear (but at times, can). These lesions can flare up again and possibly get worse. They can also become aggravated with heat and/or exercise. So that's why people with MS have a heat intolerance...and it temporarily brings back symptoms during the time in the heat, or while being active. For me, when I walk a lot (maybe anything from 100-150m onwards), the tingling and altered sensation in my right leg returns (these feelings are what initially led to my diagnosis). Further to this, my 'funny' left leg will generally feel that little bit worse at the same time! So...the bummer is, I potential could experience another episode of ON - but from reading about others' experiences, most people don't have more than a few times.

There is some positive news that came from the MRI results...and that is that the lesions on my spine have improved and there is no new activity. Hearing this instantly had me at ease. The worry and stress and over thinking I had been suffering from (and there were some days where I really felt quite depressed about my life's current outlook) were finally floating far away.

It is very nerve racking going to see the neuro for the MRI results. It's always the first thing he does which is good because it's always what I want to know first before attacking anything else on the agenda. Let's move on...

It was time now to decide on which new med I will change to. I knew whatever those MRI results showed would dictate which med the neuro would recommend. If he recommended Tysabri, I knew I was not travelling well along my MS path.

The whole week and a bit prior, I had read up on both Gilenya and Tysabri. I spoke to friends and family about the two. After firstly leaning towards Tysabri, I began to reconsider Gilenya. I was constantly looking up people's personal experiences. Most of the time it was good...sometimes it was bad (but not terrible). The PML thing related to Tysabri was just too risky for my liking. Plus, it had been taken off the market previously. Its appeal was that it was a stronger, and I guess you need to expect higher risks with something strong...much like alcohol. Drinking a 250ml spritzer holds less risk of behaving like a dick than drinking a 700ml bottle of Belgian beer at 7.5%. Though you might have a better time having drunk the beer. Whoa..tangent much?!

A dark, heavy, stormy, lightning-filled cloud lifted from my thoughts when the neuro said he recommend I start on Gilenya. Fist pump x 3. The reason being is that my MS is not really considered aggressive enough to go onto Tysabri - and then he mentioned that PML risk.

I still had a few questions...and he answered them accordingly and I liked his answers too. Lucky. I mentioned my anxiety. Particularly with something like Gilenya where the first month, your heart rate slows. That's a whole month of being paranoid! Fuck that. So I made a suggestion that I got from a colleague...should I wear a heart monitor for the first month to help my anxieties? The neuro said something like, "What...so we can monitor your death?". I laughed, he laughed and M laughed. I was being pretty silly apparently. One thing that came up in a lot of my reading was that Gilenya was actually very well tolerated. I was being put at ease by hearing the neuro confirm all the positives, without me having to mention them first...and NO MORE INJECTIONS!!!

The next step was that I needed an ECG. Luckily they were not busy...and I had it straight away. The results will be sent to Dr S (the neuro) on Monday. I need to call to confirm that he has seen them and that I am then right to go in for my first dose on Tuesday!

Gilenya is an oral pill taken daily. It's bright yellow. It's a capsule. Due to it slowing down your heart rate, you must be closely monitored for the first 6 hours upon taking your first pill. Shit man...6 hours. This drug is serious business. This is why I don't like just popping panadol whenever, drinking to excess, choosing IV steroids for convenience over a few weeks of suffering. I have to reserve my body for the serious shit that I actually NEED. I haven't quite gone all natural therapy on you yet, but I really do not like popping over the counter (or bar) stuff.

My heart rate and blood pressure will be monitored every 15 minutes for the first hour, then every 30 minutes until the 6 hours is up - at least that's what I have read. Last thing will be another ECG. When I booked in to the hospital, the nurse asked me if I was told what to expect. I said I kinda knew and she confirmed that I need to do 'nothing'. I will be doing nothing, and I should bring some things to do. Yeah, stuff to do so I don't get anxious, panic or completely freak out!

Besides your heart rate dropping...there are other non-serious side effects like flu symptoms (Oh I know these well!), sinusitis, itching, depression, hair loss (fuck.) and a bunch of others...but these tend to ease after the first month...or so they say. 'They' (another pharmaceutical company) said Rebif flu symptoms would ease after a few months. Ha! Not for me they bloody didn't!

It's been a long entry. Thanks for sticking around. I am feeling a bit more in control of my MS (as much as I can be), but it's still been quite an emotionally exhausting few weeks since the ON came on (plus a few other things in life have been going on). I am broken, and people say "but you're looking good". I read a lot of other people with MS get annoyed by this comment. I think it's starting to annoy me too. But then it's not, because I know those who say it are trying to mean well and be positive, but some people's medical, physical and/or mental issues are invisible but this doesn't mean they shouldn't be acknowledged. How would someone on a bus react if I were to ever ask if I could have their seat because my funny knee is being super funny and I need to rest it? Would I be expected to explain that I have MS? Would I then need to explain what MS is? Would they give up their seat and think I am a pathetic lazy liar?

I'm making chicken schnitzel for dinner.

My 2nd relapse in 12 months: Optic Neuritis

This post is coming earlier to you than it should. This is not cool.

Just over a week ago I began to suffer from a pulling pain at the back of my left eye when I would cast my gaze far left, right, up and down. I thought that maybe I was just tired.

But then, Wednesday last week I noticed an area in my peripheral vision that was blurry. This was annoying. The next day it became more noticeable. And the few days after, it became more spread across my vision. Now, it is Monday and the top half of my left eye vision is blurry with a tinge of grey/brown. I also was looking deep into my own eyes at the mirror before bed last night, and I thought i was being paranoid, but it looked like my left pupil was slightly larger than my right. M confirmed that it was not my paranoia taking over. 

I drove into work, unsure if I should be driving. Don't worry, I drove very carefully like the cautious koala I am. I just really needed to turn my whole body to check my left side blind spots. I got to work and spoke to my colleague about this continuing eye problem.

Let me rewind for a second. You are probably wondering where my comments are on my own attempts at a diagnosis. No, I have not changed. I googled the fuck out of this! I was already very aware that having MS meant I was at a high risk of experiencing Optic Neuritis. In a lot of cases, Optic Neuritis is the first symptom experienced that leads to a diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis. 

I had previously asked an optometrist a few years ago what having Optic Neuritis (ON) is like - so I would be 'prepared' and not completely freak out. He did explain that it typically comes on slowly, and then mentioned the possible symptoms of blurry vision, double vision etc. Remembering this, and reading a lot about others and their experiences with ON, I continued to...google the fuck out of it, naturally. Some might say this is not a good thing, and that google is the devil. But I believed it really helped me in not panicking. I mean really, I could have freaked and taken myself to emergency claiming that I was going blind. But alas, I did not. Instead, I was fairly calm and only slightly feeling scared. 

Anyways, let me get back to it.

I drove home from work after being there for 30 minutes and booking in to see a doctor at the practice I go to.

I saw her. We had a chat. She called my neuro, who then asked me if I could come in today. What a legend - though I never bothered him all that time I was in D-Town. We confirmed a time.

I caught the bus into the city and saw my neuro. I informed him of my only other symptom since I last saw him, which is the altered sensations and tight knee, both of my left leg - I have been experiencing this for almost a year now.

He suggested a course of IV steroids. I declined. Taking steroids will speed up the ON, but that is all. I would rather keep the IV steroids option open when and if I have a severe relapse. Steroids also have their own side effects, and I am not referring to looking like some blow up faux muscle woman. 

He did some tapping reflex stuff, and some eye thingies. He confirmed that I had ON which is basically an inflamed optic nerve. He then proceeded to tell me that Rebif is no longer working for me. 

Shit. Fuck. Poo. 

I had a slight little panic, thinking that I would have to change to another injection med. Rebif was so easy with the use of the Rebismart machine. I was not happy about the thought of having to proper pinch skin and stab that needle in and push medication through a syringe.

Calm down Sascha! Breathe.

He suggested Gilenya or Tysabri.

I won't go into these now, but this is what I will tell you;

Gilenya: One tablet a day. Not been around long. Can cause a slow heart rate. A few deaths in the first year of it being on the market (this has now 'settled')

Tysabri: An infusion once a month, given at a medical clinic/hospital. Reports of a rare brain infection called PML (progressive multifocal leucoencephalopathy) occurring for patients being given Tysabri

I have some patient info packs to look through to help make a decision. I don't really enjoy making such decisions. Despite my amazing google researching skills, I am no doctor!

I am a little bit frightened. I am angry at Rebif for stopping its job. This time last year, after being on Rebif for a year, I had no new lesions. 

My MRI is Wednesday - the results will be different. This will make me sad.

To be honest, I am feeling a bit fragile right now. 2 relapses in one year. Not good. I got used to the left leg being how it has been, but now this eye business? I feel like I am getting those 'OMG I have MS!' feelings back from when I was first diagnosed. It is an unwanted reality check.

That is all.

It's that time of year - MRI time!

It's just past midnight, and I am (still) sick with a super dooper sore throat that I have been trying to clear all day. I can't sleep because of it. Take pain killers you say? I have, but no killing of the pain has occurred. I have been unwell for days now. In between then and now I attended a beautiful wedding interstate, where I pulled through the day taking some trusty cold and flu tablets. BUT, it seems I have picked up a germ somewhere and it has decided to have an open house party and fester in my body (gross). Probably picked it up on the plane? At the airport? Who bloody knows, but now I am feeling sooo much worse than I did and this makes me angry. Luckily tomorrow is a public holiday? It will be lucky if I can get to see a doc :-/ But then I just want some miracle cure that doesn't entail having anymore days off work. When is someone going to develop generic magic pill that fixes anything and everything instantly? Hmmm?

Argh! But I am not here to whinge solely about my being sick, I just felt like letting you know why I was awake to write this post, though I didn't expect my reasoning to be so detailed and angry. Sorry about that (but I am still angry at my body for still being poorly).

I have my yearly MRI coming up next week. This is what has prompted me to write a post.

As you might imagine, this brings up a lot of worries and hopes and stresses. Some examples include: Is my medication working? It was last year. What if it's not doing it's job as well this year? And why would it just change? Do I have new lesions? I must because I have had my funny left leg since my last MRI. What if there are more lesions and they haven't reared their ugly head as a symptom yet? How many active lesions might I have? Are they going to inject the dye stuff through my hand again? Because that hurt last time! I hope I don't have to press the panic button and ask if I can cough - I hate it when that happens, and I am sure the MRI peeps hate it too. But who knows? This sore throat is totally going to turn into a cough - because all I want to do is clear my throat! Damnit.

These are all typical anxieties experienced before going for an MRI when you have Mad Sascha. But this year is a little different in that I will need to wait a week before seeing the neurologist to find out if anything new is goin' on. Whereas before, I would be visiting from D-Town so my MRI and Neuro appointment would be on the same day. Done and dusted in one fell swoop! MRI in the a.m. and Neuro in the p.m. But now I live in Sydney again, I get an extra week to sit and stir and think and 'what if' my mind away...

Stress is pretty underrated, don't you think? Have I spoken about this before? It is so difficult to control how stress affects you. There are other not-so-nice things happening within my family at the moment. A good range of things, involving several different people (I love you all btw, you people who are my fam). I will not go into any detail, but these things are all very stressful and worrying! I should really not be so worried about myself and my silly yearly MRI. Geez Sascha, there is other shit goin' down that you can stress about. Hang on, no we really want to just avoid stress all together. But, it's just near impossible with some of the things going on. How do I not stress? I am a worrier after all. Just do not mention 'mindfulness' to me. Thanks.

I want to be well again! Being sick sux and it doesn't let you deal with stuff very effectively.

Well I really just wanted to express my few little silly thoughts about my worries of my upcoming MRI. And of course, once the results are in a week later (mid-April), I will be sure to post. And of course, I will think positive. And I do, but there is always that other little voice that is so difficult to mute out - she asks all the annoying questions. I tell her to shut up, but she doesn't seem to listen.

I should really try to get some proper sleep so my body can attempt to fight off this party of germs that is making me so ill and angry. Those little bastards!

This little piggy stayed home...

Ahhh...it's great to be back in Sydney!

Our move back here to NSW went well. Not too many complaints.

A few things have been going on besides the obvious moving business.

I have successfully (too soon to claim this?) weaned myself off of Pristiq as of 3 days ago. No more antidepressants - yay! This has not come without a few bum bum moments. Dr B suggested I take half a tab every day for five days, then move to 1/4 every second day for 10 days.

I decided to stop taking Pristiq because I am now back in Sydney (although I have no job which is known to cause some anxiety!) within close reach and support of friends and family. And a big reason to stop is because my ability to sweat is just outrageously wrong and this may be due to taking Pristiq.

I need to sidetrack somewhat and mention Christmas here. I forgot my Pristiq when I went down to mum and Chris' farm (located in between whoop whoop and no man's land) for 6 days over Christmas. I had to search for a doctor to see for the prescription in Cooma, on Christmas Eve. My search failed (are you surprised?), so I ended taking up precious time in the local hospital 'emergency' room. I did not like this idea at all and I really did feel like such a dick forgetting important medication. But it is definitely not recommended that you stop taking antidepressants cold turkey, so I had to do what I had to do. I had some physical symptoms reveal themselves due to not taking Pristiq- I wouldn't call them 'headaches', but I got a bit kind of dizzy and this feeling came on quite sporadically, and unexpectedly. I did not like it. I managed to see a doc in ER within 2 hours and apologised profusely for for taking up his valuable time all because I 'forgot' my Pristiq. Idiot.

Anyways...with this little experience in mind, I thought I was well prepared in what to expect coming off Pristiq. So the weird head mess was there...then there was the other thing. I don't have the medical term for it, nor have I come up with some creative and amusing term. Without sounding like some crazy person...it was more an audio issue in my head. No pain. Just sudden, again unexpected, quick, freaky sound. No voices or anything! If any of you have tinnitus, you may be able to understand my description. I tend to get a sort of tinnitus when I get a fever from the Rebif - I can hear and feel every heart beat and it's like my inside body noises are amplified in my head. You still with me? So I all of a sudden I get that tinnitus sound in my head/ears, but really loud! Just for a moment. Not even a second. Sometimes it was triggered by moving my head. I did not enjoy this, and it would, at times, make me physically grab my head and close my eyes. Luckily, it has been now 24 hours since I have had this sensation in my head. And that is that.

Gosh, I feel like I am not very entertaining tonight. Sorry :-/

And moving on...

Perhaps you are trying to work out why the hell I am reciting a line from a childhood toe touching nursery rhyme? My second toe on my left foot was very active last week. Hmmm interesting huh? I was doing stuff (probably searching for a job) at home. M was out at Bunnings or doing some other 'man' thing. I had a little break, having a seat on the couch with my laptop on my lap. Then I felt it. The toe I mentioned, was moving. by itself. Ahhhhh, freak out! I look up at the toe, probably said something to myself like, "Oh great", put my laptop aside and placed my fingers around the base of my toe. It was really weird hey. I could feel the nerve shaking like it were some booty on the dance floor of a Beyonce concert! Then...it stopped. Then it started again, Then stopped. And yes, then it began again. This went on for at least 15 minutes until it stopped entirely. I haven't had an issue with this toe since. I am sure you are really happy I shared this story with you :-)

There is one more thing I will talk about. And this was a really big heavy weight on my skeleton for most of my morning today. I do not know what it has to do with...Mad Sascha, the Hashimoto's, being on/coming off Pristiq, being on Rebif or maybe I am just a freak that should be featured on one of those freak medical shows. The issue, dear readers, is the sweat. It is amazing, but not in a mesmerising way. All jokes aside, this issue is running (and close to ruining) my life.

This morning I was preparing to head up to the shops to get a few things for lunch, pop into the library and visit the pharmacy. I was a bit hot before I left home, but it just got worse and I began to sweat, profusely. I wasn't rushing or anything. I had the air con on in the car for the short trip. There was air con on in all the places I went. Yet, I could not cool down. I was just sweating. Why??? I wish I knew :-( It began to really upset me. I began to feel so self-conscious and extremely uncomfortable. I held back tears as I got my stuff from the supermarket. You might want to jump in here and say that my own anxieties are making it worse...and yes, you are completely right. I do acknowledge this. But why did it start to begin with? I was really struggling to hold back my tears as I stood on the escalator travelling down to my car. As soon as I got in my car I let the tears unleash. This was not ideal, as I still needed to see the road for the drive home. I took some deep breaths and I got myself home...but then, Niagara falls begins again. There were moments where I was somewhat inconsolable. Seriously.

I tried to make an appointment to see Dr B in Wollongong, but he is away for the next few weeks. I just can't wait that long. So I decided to make an appointment with a local doctor here, in the new 'hood. I am seeing her tomorrow morning and to be honest, I don't know how I will go. What I do know is it is  running my life and I feel like I am out of explanations, and in turn, options on what I can do.

Maybe this is my life calling to work in a supermarket cool room, on night shift? What do you think?