In late March, I went to see my neurologist after receiving a letter in the mail from him about an isolated case of PML (the horrible, rare brain infection where you become severely disabled and basically die) in an MS patient taking Gilenya - this is the medication I take for slowing my MS progression. Before going along to the appointment, I listed all the 'issues' I had been experiencing over the past few months, some of which I spoke about in my last post from November.
My neurologist read over my list (love lists!) and made the observation that my biggest issue has been anxiety.
The lump in the throat, the dizziness all followed by some physical symptoms of anxiety. It's all true.
One Sunday night in late November, I did not sleep. I was restless in bed. M had to move to the spare room because I was tossing and turning like a sizzling stir fry! I kept feeling weird sensations in my chest and was quietly convincing myself that something was very wrong and I may need medical attention, or else I might die. I thought my heart was getting hot, then I was trying to force myself not to think about it - this failed and just made me think about it more. I spent the whole night wide awake without any sign of feeling or getting sleepy. Lights when on, then off, back on again etc. I tried reading articles online on ANYTHING that would take away the attention I was giving my body. I was looking through old photos, trying so hard to get my mind into some kind of positive space. It was such a struggle. I cried. I cried hoping I would cry myself to sleep - that failed too.
As the daylight crept in, I went online and made a doctor's appointment (after calling in sick for work). My usual doctor was not on, but I didn't care. I just needed to do something so I booked the earliest appointment I could with a doctor I had seen a few times before.
I waited in the waiting room and felt a little bit as ease, feeling close to a resolution for this insanity that crawled into my head. I thought, if anything happens to me here (medically), there are heaps of doctor's here and they will look after me.
Once I saw the doctor, I explained my night. I was desperate for some respite. I was prescribed antidepressants and valium. She told me to go home, take the valium immediately, sit on the couch and let the valium do its work. So that's exactly what I did. Once it kicked in, finally, I felt a sense of normalcy. It was amazing. And in retrospect, it confirmed that the feelings were indeed...anxiety. Why else would I feel normal after taking a muscle relaxant!? Der! C'mon Sascha! It took a fair while for me to accept this and not immediately assume that something was actually medically wrong with me. It took a lot of convincing and talking and thinking rationally.
Since then, things got better. I started to see an amazing psychologist. She was great. I came to a point where I went off the antidepressants and was ready to finish up with the psychologist and just get on with it.
Unfortunately, not long after, 'it' came back.
I was unimpressed to say the least!
I may have experienced a panic attack in Melbourne where I was there in the school holidays (The Melbourne Comedy Festival was GREAT - interestingly, a lot of comedians spoke about anxiety/depression/mental health). I thought, "Fuck this!"...oh and I massively stacked it with my suitcase walking to the station - it would have looked so awkward, too awkward to be funny.
So I went back to the doctor, went on different medication, and saw the psychologist again (albeit for much fewer sessions this time around).
That was about a month and a half ago, and right now I feel SO SO SO much better. It's great. I feel close to being free from this new monster that entered my life. And I will tell you this, that until you experience that level, or that type of physical anxiety, you really just can't relate. It's just so different from any other anxiety I have ever experienced (exams, medical stuff, interviews, planes - still really hate planes). It has taken me 10 sessions with my psychologist and two different medications over the last 6 to 7 months to get to this point.
I am so incredibly grateful to all the people who have let me moan, bitch, complain, or simply have let me talk about my anxiety. And it has been so comforting knowing that I am not the only one! A few of you out there were able to instantly relate to what I was experiencing, simply from experiencing it yourselves. Thank you, it helped me a lot.
More MS news next time...
No comments:
Post a Comment